"a class A stupid, idiotic girl"

i have no more arms yet, i have given up e v e r y t h i n g,
let's go home.

//

after five months

hindsight really is 20/20.

//
i'm not in the middle anymore. dude. i have it bad. it's bad. it's insane. i'm almost in love now, almost, because i don't know what makes him tick yet, if i will ever know, that is. i don't know. he doesn't share much about himself, although maybe he just doesn't want to tell me things. i don't know. up until the past week we were together a lot and talk a lot. we have lunch together. dinner + after dinner together. lots of shit together. a few times now we have crossed the lines between friends and more than friends but i dunno, it's blurry. he's still into his girl on the phone. he's still secretive.

and you know what? i'm still totally down for whatever with him. i know he's going to hurt me, and sometimes he does, already. but. i told you, i have it bad.

(i have told myself a bajillion times already that i should have had enough and that i should stop being gaga over whatever we have, but, sigh. h e l p.)

//
might have shut down j already and i feel bad not for letting him down, but because i don't have a fallback anymore.

//
i don't know what's going to happen tomorrow.

Haven't posted shit in so long, thanks to my relatively stable mental state for the past several months. I think I have talked about this previously on my older posts, but I tend to write shit only when I am sad. Why is it so easy to bleed words when I'm sad and so hard to put things down in words when I am Okay? It would be nice to document the good, too.

I opened this tab to write about fuzzy feelings and confusion. I don't know if I can write about fuzzy feelings and confusion right now - I'm too hyped and I feel slight kiligs and I'm scared and ... I feel too many things. I am alright, though.

//
today i started watching this korean tv series called Descendants of the Sun and sigh every time there's a kilig scene i think about a certain someone. last night i dreamed about that certain someone & in my dream we were together and happy & it took a lot of me to stop myself from making dying whale sounds because i was with my friends from high school & i don't want them to know anything. the night before that though i sort of slipped and told them that i feel sepanx over "people I work with that I am with 20/24, seven days a week." i am such an... i don't know. but i can't tell people about this. i can't tell people that i may or may not be starting to fall for someone who (probably) has a girlfriend. (also: yes, sigh, AGAIN.) i can't tell people that i am starting to like someone who probably does not like me, this someone who is too busy talking with Some Girl on his phone. it's hard not to like him: we are together with other people most of the time from day to night. he likes good grammar, astronomy, music, the outdoors, and poetry. with our other friends, we have gone to a lot of adventures this summer from exploring mountains & caves & beaches & camping to watching indie music videos (he was the first person I recruited to appreciate the MV of Sila by Sud) & drinking alcohol in sketchy places. we sit close together most of the time. i lean on him a lot (heh, Jam says this is called galawang hokage) & sigh i don't know. lots of fun things together but he's got other girls i think & it is frustrating and i like being in the middle like this for now because i don't want to know the other end yet (because i am almost sure it's a no for me) but god fucking damn it. then again, call me crazy but it feels good.

//
j is a safe(ish) place but it's not home

//
525600 minutes

how do you look your age

SERIOUSLY. I always look ten years younger than my actual age. It's really getting tiring.

hey I still exist

Today is December 23rd -- one day away from Christmas Eve and two days from Christmas. I am listening to mid-2000 Filipino rock songs as I am writing this. As always, I am missing people. Like most times, I am sad and lonely. It's strange though. I do not want to jinx it, but things don't suck that much. I mean. Lots of problems here and there but in general I am still able to breathe. Which is good.

No time to be poetic and shit because it's 1am and I still have to go to work tomorrow morning. Also I am 99.9% sure it's just going to be me who will read this post anyway. So, yeah. Here's what happened to my life during the past weeks, in vague bullets:

• I got myself an Instax camera and it is the best impulse purchase I have ever made
• missing people I shouldn't miss
• for weeks now I have been meaning to send a message to someone who hurt me badly because I want to apologize and I really want to know her side why she did what she did and again try to let go of the bad blood between us, but I do not know if it is worth trying
• p: "kumusta ka?" me: "tired."
• I still do not know what will happen to me come next year
• this is hard to accept but hard work ≠ success
• grateful for friends who have been good to me this year
• Bakit Part 2 - Mayonnaise / Nobela - Join the Club / Tensionado - Soapdish
• c. is still very cute but I have already resigned myself to the fact that he's just someone whose face makes me smile :)))
• d. keeps on breaking my heart huhuhuhu but ok it's not like he knows also it's not like he promised anything
• i vs. i stage is strong as ever
• I want a telescope so much. Maybe that should be my next big purchase.

technically it's still mid-October

• i fell asleep after going home from the hospital and i dreamed about c. & goddamn. in my dream we were having a good time somewhere and when it was just the two of us i kissed him and it was nice and we kissed some more and i didn't care about anything
  and it was just so nice but then i woke up and realized c. has a long-time (!!!) girlfriend and he probably has forgotten about me at this point because i am forgettable lol or if he does remember me i'll just be this girl from _____ who has a stupid high school crush on him (he wasn't supposed to know that, but, ah. but i am thankful for it)
• it's probably just me but then again when i feel this way it's 99% not just a figment of my imagination but i think d. is keeping away from me because he is being a good boyfriend
• boys
  with girlfriends
  who are (probably) confused about their relationships
  fuckboys
• and yep, that's how my nonexistent love life usually goes sigh

----

• i miss having a tell-most-things, know-most-things friend

ah, well.

warning: i can't words right now.

last year i turned on autocorrect on my iPad. for a year i kept typing and retyping every time the dictionary "corrects" my words. i may use english almost exclusively when posting tweets and blogs but i still use tagalog in conversations. so imagine how annoying it was when i had to retype words at least three times. it happened too frequently but i never turned autocorrect off and just constantly complained "dammit autocorrect." until last sunday. i turned off autocorrect and. no more retyping. i just. it's. how i typed and typed the same word and got autocorrected. for a year. and how it took me a year to decide to just turn the damn autocorrect off. how doing that felt like defeat, somehow. but i know it's not really defeat because english and tagalog words are different and the dictionary can only recognize english words. how i refused to do something for a principle that meant nothing.

i'm so unsure of everything. especially with work shit. i'm scared.

how i've said "i am done" too many times and yet

how i still. want things back. even though i know things will never come back. people will not come back.

foreshadowing

it was coming. it was coming. i knew it was coming. didn't expect it to happen so soon and so fast. well. it wasn't really that fast. because if you looked back at every thing that happened during the past year you will see it. the signs were right there, clear as a day. plenty. it was coming. i could not stop it.

it still hurts, though. it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts so much.

----------------------------

2004 / 2007 / 2015

----------------------------

confession: i do not know what comes next. i am very scared.

Uhhh...

Hello, June. The month of May was shitty. Entirely too shitty. I am just glad it's over.

april.

haven’t written anything in a long time

though i don’t actually write? i just type words that seem to make sense to me?

things rarely make sense nowadays

too tired / too confused / unable to find the words to explain what’s going on

haven’t written anything in a long time

things i always say:

i don’t know / dunno / eh / please / putang ina / tangina / shit / fuck / sigh / hay / ugh

at a very brief point i said i love you lots of times, too

things i always feel:

constant tiredness / how some people have it so easy / fear / loneliness / jealousy / wanting to give love but do not have anyone  / anxiety / not being enough / fillers / being afraid of being left behind / hunger for experience / craving people’s touches (fuck i love physical things idrk????? fuck. just remembering ~things~ makes me feel kind of alive but sad because they are in the past and i always miss things that make me feel alive) (also lol i all those things feel like sin, and they’re not even that… much) / literal hunger / over satiation then that shitty food coma feeling / regret / want

things i want to say:

please don’t leave me / please stay / why don’t you love me like i love you? / i miss you / i miss us / fuck you and your fake words / i know you’re just as confused as i am / thank you for not leaving despite me being me

the state of being so-so

warning: free writing after this line (but of course, less discernible proper names & identifiable characteristics of people)

i don't want to think of things. I MISS DAILY STUPID NOTHING AND EVERYTHING TALKS AND TEXT MESSAGING / FACEBOOK CHATS. something about grocery shopping with someone. i don't know i don't know i don't know. am i am annoying residue? really want to do it but with whom. i don't like how k talks with me now he used to sound so sincere and now... i dunno it's like he wants to impress me or something. i liked him the way he was. i don't know how to talk with p and i don't really know what happened with us but i do know she said lots of things behind my back. it's strange how we used to talk every day and now... i thought i found real friends but well. i don't know if i left them or if they left me. every now and then i imagine touching boys' hair. every now and then i still wonder what made e walk away (you felt it, didn't you. you were scared, weren't you. you didn't want to leave her- though you eventually did. we never did have the talk.), what made m stop (was it because i lived too far away), what made l lose interest (but he doesn't like reading books so). i have passed by nueva vizcaya eight times now and each time i do i am reminded of j. i still have your cap. i want to be wanted. i want to be wanted back. i feel invisible ish like okay at work so many people say hi to me and shit but i feel like background noise? metaphors. temporary conditions. plans. hopes. good god please. law school. master's classes. it's really ... shocking (i guess) how my life (right now) turned out this way partly because of a confusing thing with someone. largely because i am a fucking idiot who does not know why i exist. i just latch at people and lots of times i hate myself because i am so needy and i feel like an annoyance. how do you build quality friendships. how do you decide what should matter. how do you find things that make you happy. it's kind of nice, letting people in but at the same time i am very scared. trust. the fragility of things. poetry and feeling weak because i haven't consumed words in a while. it's cloudy and i feel like the weather. but i am ok. ish. i want to live beyond ish.

February.

In some ways, this month had been better than the last one. In others, it ... well, sucked.

So, updates:

• I am forcing myself (ish) to come into terms with the fact that I cannot make people stay. I don't see it as a really bad thing. Think of "make" as forcing someone. In that sense. I mean. I can do everything & I can say everything but if someone wants to leave, they will leave.
• Some people come back, though.
• Some people teeter-totter between staying and leaving and
• I should tell them to make up their minds because hoping while grieving at the same time is very tiring.
• they make me ask myself time and time again if I am ~~worth it~~ and good lord please.
• I have accepted the fact that I have a weak heart. Really. I'm not strong. I just wing it, or deal with things when I have to. I can be brave. But my heart gets bruised by every single thing. Sometimes it heals fast, sometimes it takes time, sometimes not at all-- a huge chunk still hurts from damages that happened long ago.
• Things lately have tested the fragility of my relationships with everybody. From my family to my friends to my coworkers...
• I have learned that a good way to succeed at work and to avoid getting hurt by the system & by people at work is to trust no one. No exceptions.
• I thought I was headed somewhere with someone. But I don't know. I am not sure if I am the one who pulled away or if I am the one who was left.
• School is okay so far. I have nice grad school acquaintances/friends. Lessons are bearable kind of.

today

morning--

 can not stay this way for much longer // you let me down again.

evening--

there was an open fire and everyone's hair smelled like burnt leaves / there was a kitten crying, looking for its mother (i'd like to think that somewhere, the mother cat is looking for its baby, too) / there were thoughts of you, lingering, asking whywhywhywhy

what is this even

i turn 25 tomorrow. it won't be the first time that i wouldn't be with both my parents on my birthday. i have no birthday plans at all. i am sad. jp thinks i have first world problems but i only told him the tip of the iceberg. but i don't know, really. maybe i do. but no. but. it's just that. when i think of my problems it seems that they're petty and i have no right to complain and at least i kinda know my way out of all this shit. i want alcohol. there's more than enough alcohol in the fridge but i don't want to drink alone because it's pathetic. i'm not myself lately. i really wished i was with people who mattered last friday night. the beach the waves the strong winds i could see the starts on some parts of the sky - it was so so so so amazing. i miss my friends i miss my (entire) family i miss all sorts of people. i miss knowing the feeling of being home. i haven't felt like i am home in so long. i am so tired of temporary things but come to think of it everything is temporary. i'm frustrated in all senses of the word. i'm alright-ish. i am sad. i don't know what i feel. fuck, i turn 25 tomorrow. i feel lost.

casual reminder that your perception and reality are two different things

It's just funny how people can assume things that are so far from the truth. Yes, I am talking about what other people might think of me. Yes, because I do not like their assumptions. Yes, I am concerned about this -- I have always been concerned about people's opinions of me.

I was going to compare other people's impressions of me at different points of my life: high school, college, and now as a young upcoming professional. But that would divulge too much personal information and this blog is not the appropriate place for that. Also, how am I supposed to really know what other people think of me?

Anyway, I just want to say that contrary to popular belief I am not a smoker (I am thinking about it. And I have tried. And the temptation is too much sometimes. But I won't consider myself one), I drink in moderation and only occasionally, I don't do anything with boys at all (as much as I'd like to, ah, sigh), I don't have boatloads of money at my disposal, I only have a handful of people I feel connected with, and I don't feel full and I am actually just trying to get my shit together.

so

i was so caught up in things i forgot to post something for the month of August in this blog. i love bulleted lists so here is a bulleted list of things lately

• i went back to school. yes, finally. my classes have been alright so far. SO much schoolwork to do but that's UP for you. also yes, UP. of course. where else? :)
• UPD campus is so pretty especially at night, maaaaaan.
• on a scale of 1-10 and 1 is sad and 10 is happy right now i am feeling 5. or 6. these days i can only get to 6.5 at most.
• boys and ehhh huhuhu boys
• i am a bad surrogate parent
• i love using the word "friends" or "boys" as a verb
• i don't even want to think about work right now UGH
• options for the weekend: baguio or qc or stay home hmm

and

I WANT TO CRY BUT I DONT WANT TO CRY I NEED TO CRY
I WANT TO BE LEFT ALONE BUT I ALSO WANT TO BE COMFORTED BUT I WANT TO BE LEFT ALONE

I SHOULD NEVER GET USED TO GOOD FEELINGS THEY NEVER LAST

I SHOULD NEVER GET USED TO PEOPLE THEY ALWAYS LEAVE
i try my best to be always here for people but when i need people wheRE ARE THEY

that realization that i should be okay with being alone because every person that comes into my life will be gone sooner or later

i will never be enough
i can never make people stay

some of the things people asked me today: if i am asking to be raped because i like wearing short skirts / if i self-harm / "seryoso ka, gusto mong masaktan?" / why i wasn't thinking for myself / "ano ba ang nangyayari sa buhay mo ngayon parang hindi na healthy"

i want to resonate i want my presence to be felt even when i am gone (too bad, diane, too bad)

aches

• mom 
• dad
• /someone/
• best friend
• sister
• brother

come share all this love inside me, i have plenty

brain samples

• i have a legit dreamcatcher and by legit i mean it was made by american indians and it doesn't work on me. or maybe it did. but it. doesn't. work. anymore.
• the other night i dreamed that i grabbed your hand and you didn't push me away
• either i care too much or i don't care at all
• c y c l o t h y m i a
• "let's go somewhere only we know" "pretty sure i've heard that from a song before"
• thank you but sorry, no
• overprotective and/or possessive
• of all people and things i found one of my closest friends because of Dante Basco and some family member's association with reality tv and that's just ???
• forever afraid i won't be able to make you stay
• not shit people but shit parent(s)
• sorry / sorry / sorry / sorry / sorry / sorry / sorry / sorry
• i screwed up, didn't i
• please
• age 29
• please please please
• living vicariously
• i'm tired
• i'm scared

breathe, girl, breathe

my heart feels heavy my head feels heavy i feel heavy and i am not sure if this is just because of sleep deprivation and tiredness (read: slept at 4am today & ugh dammit work) or because my insecurities are getting the better of me again

questions they did not need to ask:
who the fuck are you? | why are you here? | where did you come from? | what's in it for you? | why are you doing all of this why are you working hard for this | what. is. in. it. for. you?

l'esprit de l'escalier:
when i said "it was from someone i want to murder" i meant it // i kept quiet because i felt very small you made me feel very small // you're right, there was a reason i put that up but sorry to disappoint you it is definitely not what you think // tell me that despite recent developments in your life nothing will come between us // thank you for the compliments i am sorry i cannot accept them // i am sorry i lied

*****

i have become

a permanent resident

of the struggle bus

*****

this isn't how things are always going to be