the state of being so-so

warning: free writing after this line (but of course, less discernible proper names & identifiable characteristics of people)

i don't want to think of things. I MISS DAILY STUPID NOTHING AND EVERYTHING TALKS AND TEXT MESSAGING / FACEBOOK CHATS. something about grocery shopping with someone. i don't know i don't know i don't know. am i am annoying residue? really want to do it but with whom. i don't like how k talks with me now he used to sound so sincere and now... i dunno it's like he wants to impress me or something. i liked him the way he was. i don't know how to talk with p and i don't really know what happened with us but i do know she said lots of things behind my back. it's strange how we used to talk every day and now... i thought i found real friends but well. i don't know if i left them or if they left me. every now and then i imagine touching boys' hair. every now and then i still wonder what made e walk away (you felt it, didn't you. you were scared, weren't you. you didn't want to leave her- though you eventually did. we never did have the talk.), what made m stop (was it because i lived too far away), what made l lose interest (but he doesn't like reading books so). i have passed by nueva vizcaya eight times now and each time i do i am reminded of j. i still have your cap. i want to be wanted. i want to be wanted back. i feel invisible ish like okay at work so many people say hi to me and shit but i feel like background noise? metaphors. temporary conditions. plans. hopes. good god please. law school. master's classes. it's really ... shocking (i guess) how my life (right now) turned out this way partly because of a confusing thing with someone. largely because i am a fucking idiot who does not know why i exist. i just latch at people and lots of times i hate myself because i am so needy and i feel like an annoyance. how do you build quality friendships. how do you decide what should matter. how do you find things that make you happy. it's kind of nice, letting people in but at the same time i am very scared. trust. the fragility of things. poetry and feeling weak because i haven't consumed words in a while. it's cloudy and i feel like the weather. but i am ok. ish. i want to live beyond ish.