"a class A stupid, idiotic girl"

i have no more arms yet, i have given up e v e r y t h i n g,
let's go home.

//

after five months

hindsight really is 20/20.

//
i'm not in the middle anymore. dude. i have it bad. it's bad. it's insane. i'm almost in love now, almost, because i don't know what makes him tick yet, if i will ever know, that is. i don't know. he doesn't share much about himself, although maybe he just doesn't want to tell me things. i don't know. up until the past week we were together a lot and talk a lot. we have lunch together. dinner + after dinner together. lots of shit together. a few times now we have crossed the lines between friends and more than friends but i dunno, it's blurry. he's still into his girl on the phone. he's still secretive.

and you know what? i'm still totally down for whatever with him. i know he's going to hurt me, and sometimes he does, already. but. i told you, i have it bad.

(i have told myself a bajillion times already that i should have had enough and that i should stop being gaga over whatever we have, but, sigh. h e l p.)

//
might have shut down j already and i feel bad not for letting him down, but because i don't have a fallback anymore.

//
i don't know what's going to happen tomorrow.

Haven't posted shit in so long, thanks to my relatively stable mental state for the past several months. I think I have talked about this previously on my older posts, but I tend to write shit only when I am sad. Why is it so easy to bleed words when I'm sad and so hard to put things down in words when I am Okay? It would be nice to document the good, too.

I opened this tab to write about fuzzy feelings and confusion. I don't know if I can write about fuzzy feelings and confusion right now - I'm too hyped and I feel slight kiligs and I'm scared and ... I feel too many things. I am alright, though.

//
today i started watching this korean tv series called Descendants of the Sun and sigh every time there's a kilig scene i think about a certain someone. last night i dreamed about that certain someone & in my dream we were together and happy & it took a lot of me to stop myself from making dying whale sounds because i was with my friends from high school & i don't want them to know anything. the night before that though i sort of slipped and told them that i feel sepanx over "people I work with that I am with 20/24, seven days a week." i am such an... i don't know. but i can't tell people about this. i can't tell people that i may or may not be starting to fall for someone who (probably) has a girlfriend. (also: yes, sigh, AGAIN.) i can't tell people that i am starting to like someone who probably does not like me, this someone who is too busy talking with Some Girl on his phone. it's hard not to like him: we are together with other people most of the time from day to night. he likes good grammar, astronomy, music, the outdoors, and poetry. with our other friends, we have gone to a lot of adventures this summer from exploring mountains & caves & beaches & camping to watching indie music videos (he was the first person I recruited to appreciate the MV of Sila by Sud) & drinking alcohol in sketchy places. we sit close together most of the time. i lean on him a lot (heh, Jam says this is called galawang hokage) & sigh i don't know. lots of fun things together but he's got other girls i think & it is frustrating and i like being in the middle like this for now because i don't want to know the other end yet (because i am almost sure it's a no for me) but god fucking damn it. then again, call me crazy but it feels good.

//
j is a safe(ish) place but it's not home

//
525600 minutes

how do you look your age

SERIOUSLY. I always look ten years younger than my actual age. It's really getting tiring.

hey I still exist

Today is December 23rd -- one day away from Christmas Eve and two days from Christmas. I am listening to mid-2000 Filipino rock songs as I am writing this. As always, I am missing people. Like most times, I am sad and lonely. It's strange though. I do not want to jinx it, but things don't suck that much. I mean. Lots of problems here and there but in general I am still able to breathe. Which is good.

No time to be poetic and shit because it's 1am and I still have to go to work tomorrow morning. Also I am 99.9% sure it's just going to be me who will read this post anyway. So, yeah. Here's what happened to my life during the past weeks, in vague bullets:

• I got myself an Instax camera and it is the best impulse purchase I have ever made
• missing people I shouldn't miss
• for weeks now I have been meaning to send a message to someone who hurt me badly because I want to apologize and I really want to know her side why she did what she did and again try to let go of the bad blood between us, but I do not know if it is worth trying
• p: "kumusta ka?" me: "tired."
• I still do not know what will happen to me come next year
• this is hard to accept but hard work ≠ success
• grateful for friends who have been good to me this year
• Bakit Part 2 - Mayonnaise / Nobela - Join the Club / Tensionado - Soapdish
• c. is still very cute but I have already resigned myself to the fact that he's just someone whose face makes me smile :)))
• d. keeps on breaking my heart huhuhuhu but ok it's not like he knows also it's not like he promised anything
• i vs. i stage is strong as ever
• I want a telescope so much. Maybe that should be my next big purchase.

technically it's still mid-October

• i fell asleep after going home from the hospital and i dreamed about c. & goddamn. in my dream we were having a good time somewhere and when it was just the two of us i kissed him and it was nice and we kissed some more and i didn't care about anything
  and it was just so nice but then i woke up and realized c. has a long-time (!!!) girlfriend and he probably has forgotten about me at this point because i am forgettable lol or if he does remember me i'll just be this girl from _____ who has a stupid high school crush on him (he wasn't supposed to know that, but, ah. but i am thankful for it)
• it's probably just me but then again when i feel this way it's 99% not just a figment of my imagination but i think d. is keeping away from me because he is being a good boyfriend
• boys
  with girlfriends
  who are (probably) confused about their relationships
  fuckboys
• and yep, that's how my nonexistent love life usually goes sigh

----

• i miss having a tell-most-things, know-most-things friend

ah, well.

warning: i can't words right now.

last year i turned on autocorrect on my iPad. for a year i kept typing and retyping every time the dictionary "corrects" my words. i may use english almost exclusively when posting tweets and blogs but i still use tagalog in conversations. so imagine how annoying it was when i had to retype words at least three times. it happened too frequently but i never turned autocorrect off and just constantly complained "dammit autocorrect." until last sunday. i turned off autocorrect and. no more retyping. i just. it's. how i typed and typed the same word and got autocorrected. for a year. and how it took me a year to decide to just turn the damn autocorrect off. how doing that felt like defeat, somehow. but i know it's not really defeat because english and tagalog words are different and the dictionary can only recognize english words. how i refused to do something for a principle that meant nothing.

i'm so unsure of everything. especially with work shit. i'm scared.

how i've said "i am done" too many times and yet

how i still. want things back. even though i know things will never come back. people will not come back.