after five months

hindsight really is 20/20.

//
i'm not in the middle anymore. dude. i have it bad. it's bad. it's insane. i'm almost in love now, almost, because i don't know what makes him tick yet, if i will ever know, that is. i don't know. he doesn't share much about himself, although maybe he just doesn't want to tell me things. i don't know. up until the past week we were together a lot and talk a lot. we have lunch together. dinner + after dinner together. lots of shit together. a few times now we have crossed the lines between friends and more than friends but i dunno, it's blurry. he's still into his girl on the phone. he's still secretive.

and you know what? i'm still totally down for whatever with him. i know he's going to hurt me, and sometimes he does, already. but. i told you, i have it bad.

(i have told myself a bajillion times already that i should have had enough and that i should stop being gaga over whatever we have, but, sigh. h e l p.)

//
might have shut down j already and i feel bad not for letting him down, but because i don't have a fallback anymore.

//
i don't know what's going to happen tomorrow.