what is this even

i turn 25 tomorrow. it won't be the first time that i wouldn't be with both my parents on my birthday. i have no birthday plans at all. i am sad. jp thinks i have first world problems but i only told him the tip of the iceberg. but i don't know, really. maybe i do. but no. but. it's just that. when i think of my problems it seems that they're petty and i have no right to complain and at least i kinda know my way out of all this shit. i want alcohol. there's more than enough alcohol in the fridge but i don't want to drink alone because it's pathetic. i'm not myself lately. i really wished i was with people who mattered last friday night. the beach the waves the strong winds i could see the starts on some parts of the sky - it was so so so so amazing. i miss my friends i miss my (entire) family i miss all sorts of people. i miss knowing the feeling of being home. i haven't felt like i am home in so long. i am so tired of temporary things but come to think of it everything is temporary. i'm frustrated in all senses of the word. i'm alright-ish. i am sad. i don't know what i feel. fuck, i turn 25 tomorrow. i feel lost.