foreshadowing

it was coming. it was coming. i knew it was coming. didn't expect it to happen so soon and so fast. well. it wasn't really that fast. because if you looked back at every thing that happened during the past year you will see it. the signs were right there, clear as a day. plenty. it was coming. i could not stop it.

it still hurts, though. it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts so much.

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2004 / 2007 / 2015

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confession: i do not know what comes next. i am very scared.

Uhhh...

Hello, June. The month of May was shitty. Entirely too shitty. I am just glad it's over.

april.

haven’t written anything in a long time

though i don’t actually write? i just type words that seem to make sense to me?

things rarely make sense nowadays

too tired / too confused / unable to find the words to explain what’s going on

haven’t written anything in a long time

things i always say:

i don’t know / dunno / eh / please / putang ina / tangina / shit / fuck / sigh / hay / ugh

at a very brief point i said i love you lots of times, too

things i always feel:

constant tiredness / how some people have it so easy / fear / loneliness / jealousy / wanting to give love but do not have anyone  / anxiety / not being enough / fillers / being afraid of being left behind / hunger for experience / craving people’s touches (fuck i love physical things idrk????? fuck. just remembering ~things~ makes me feel kind of alive but sad because they are in the past and i always miss things that make me feel alive) (also lol i all those things feel like sin, and they’re not even that… much) / literal hunger / over satiation then that shitty food coma feeling / regret / want

things i want to say:

please don’t leave me / please stay / why don’t you love me like i love you? / i miss you / i miss us / fuck you and your fake words / i know you’re just as confused as i am / thank you for not leaving despite me being me

the state of being so-so

warning: free writing after this line (but of course, less discernible proper names & identifiable characteristics of people)

i don't want to think of things. I MISS DAILY STUPID NOTHING AND EVERYTHING TALKS AND TEXT MESSAGING / FACEBOOK CHATS. something about grocery shopping with someone. i don't know i don't know i don't know. am i am annoying residue? really want to do it but with whom. i don't like how k talks with me now he used to sound so sincere and now... i dunno it's like he wants to impress me or something. i liked him the way he was. i don't know how to talk with p and i don't really know what happened with us but i do know she said lots of things behind my back. it's strange how we used to talk every day and now... i thought i found real friends but well. i don't know if i left them or if they left me. every now and then i imagine touching boys' hair. every now and then i still wonder what made e walk away (you felt it, didn't you. you were scared, weren't you. you didn't want to leave her- though you eventually did. we never did have the talk.), what made m stop (was it because i lived too far away), what made l lose interest (but he doesn't like reading books so). i have passed by nueva vizcaya eight times now and each time i do i am reminded of j. i still have your cap. i want to be wanted. i want to be wanted back. i feel invisible ish like okay at work so many people say hi to me and shit but i feel like background noise? metaphors. temporary conditions. plans. hopes. good god please. law school. master's classes. it's really ... shocking (i guess) how my life (right now) turned out this way partly because of a confusing thing with someone. largely because i am a fucking idiot who does not know why i exist. i just latch at people and lots of times i hate myself because i am so needy and i feel like an annoyance. how do you build quality friendships. how do you decide what should matter. how do you find things that make you happy. it's kind of nice, letting people in but at the same time i am very scared. trust. the fragility of things. poetry and feeling weak because i haven't consumed words in a while. it's cloudy and i feel like the weather. but i am ok. ish. i want to live beyond ish.

February.

In some ways, this month had been better than the last one. In others, it ... well, sucked.

So, updates:

• I am forcing myself (ish) to come into terms with the fact that I cannot make people stay. I don't see it as a really bad thing. Think of "make" as forcing someone. In that sense. I mean. I can do everything & I can say everything but if someone wants to leave, they will leave.
• Some people come back, though.
• Some people teeter-totter between staying and leaving and
• I should tell them to make up their minds because hoping while grieving at the same time is very tiring.
• they make me ask myself time and time again if I am ~~worth it~~ and good lord please.
• I have accepted the fact that I have a weak heart. Really. I'm not strong. I just wing it, or deal with things when I have to. I can be brave. But my heart gets bruised by every single thing. Sometimes it heals fast, sometimes it takes time, sometimes not at all-- a huge chunk still hurts from damages that happened long ago.
• Things lately have tested the fragility of my relationships with everybody. From my family to my friends to my coworkers...
• I have learned that a good way to succeed at work and to avoid getting hurt by the system & by people at work is to trust no one. No exceptions.
• I thought I was headed somewhere with someone. But I don't know. I am not sure if I am the one who pulled away or if I am the one who was left.
• School is okay so far. I have nice grad school acquaintances/friends. Lessons are bearable kind of.

today

morning--

 can not stay this way for much longer // you let me down again.

evening--

there was an open fire and everyone's hair smelled like burnt leaves / there was a kitten crying, looking for its mother (i'd like to think that somewhere, the mother cat is looking for its baby, too) / there were thoughts of you, lingering, asking whywhywhywhy

what is this even

i turn 25 tomorrow. it won't be the first time that i wouldn't be with both my parents on my birthday. i have no birthday plans at all. i am sad. jp thinks i have first world problems but i only told him the tip of the iceberg. but i don't know, really. maybe i do. but no. but. it's just that. when i think of my problems it seems that they're petty and i have no right to complain and at least i kinda know my way out of all this shit. i want alcohol. there's more than enough alcohol in the fridge but i don't want to drink alone because it's pathetic. i'm not myself lately. i really wished i was with people who mattered last friday night. the beach the waves the strong winds i could see the starts on some parts of the sky - it was so so so so amazing. i miss my friends i miss my (entire) family i miss all sorts of people. i miss knowing the feeling of being home. i haven't felt like i am home in so long. i am so tired of temporary things but come to think of it everything is temporary. i'm frustrated in all senses of the word. i'm alright-ish. i am sad. i don't know what i feel. fuck, i turn 25 tomorrow. i feel lost.