yesterday I was on a friend high and I was so happy I could shit rainbows but it died down before I went to sleep. today I feel shitty for a lot of reasons. I should feel happy or at least thankful for a lot of reasons. I should be okay. but I am not.
this post suggests I practice free writing so I can sort out my feelings and I am going to do that here. as free as rights to privacy and my paranoia will allow. here goes:
I don't know what to write about why do I capitalize my I's but not the beginnings of my sentences and some proper names. man migz villafuerte hnnngg he reminds me of M/A hahahaha they have the same fucking name oh my god diane you said you would not write about him right okay but this is free writing ugh okay so he did not matter he was all but words behind the screen he was an Ideal but you knew it would never work you did not even agree to see him you ignored him right so stop thinking about it jfc. i am not even thinking about it or him! I just... I feel lonely okay not really I am just having intimacy vs isolation feels (goddammit Erikson) because siiigh I want someoneeee. I may or may not have been to harsh on eve with the acceptance/denial thing last night??? idk. mae just came to my room and asked if she could read books 4 & 5 of TMI but I refused and I told her that it is better to wait for CoHF because maaan cliffhangers suck. I am glad the internet brought me to people I share the same interests and feelings with god I love the internet so much. I am especially thankful for jam, star, rachel, eva, and becky. I am listening to an indie rock chill playlist that's sort of okay it's calming but this is not the kind of music I would put in my iTunes. the weather rn sucks. I miss my family circa 2007 but I guess the way my family is now is better because at least there are no more pretenses and we learned who truly values us. I need to learn to how to let go of feelings and people. I don't know if I should be proud that I can relate to TWY songs so much. i'm not a self-help book i'm just a fucked up kid | i know how it feels to be at war with a world that never loved me | i'm feeling homesick for things i know don't think of me | there comes a day when you rectify who you are and who you want to be with and i can't make the two things coexist | he said " it's gonna get lighter, son, just wait and see" it's getting hard to believe | i spent this year as a ghost and i'm not sure where home is anymore + many others. god. I am worried for D but fuck man it is her fault she got into that sticky sticky situation. she told me about her dark past Wednesday night and it made me understand why she cannot sleep at night. and it sort of explained a bit why she did what she did - why she needed comfort and why she would take it from anyone. motherfucking Julius tho ugh I could stab that filho de puta ugh most of this is his fault because he dragged D down in his problems and god ugh ugh ugh. I should have known. I should have known. there were telltale signs everywhere why was I not able to put two and two together? but maaan I trusted her judgment. well. it's too late now. I want to support her and help her get up but idk she doesn't even want to help herself. she doesn't even want to cut off ties with that cheating lying bastard. but of course I will be there for her whatever happens. I won't let her think I support her stupid affair though. because i do not. cheaters ugh they should go to hell. kuya albert is going back to the ph this sunday and cannot help but think there must be a time bomb just waiting for 00:00. wow I am thinking of a lot of things this is not even 1/4 of the things in my mind. but this post is getting long enough. and I feel sort of better. note: sort of. okay maybe I should just go read a book.
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