trying to explain things

i. when think about who i am and why i am me and why my personality is shaped like it is, i always go back to at least three people. because i sort of blame them for ruining my life. and those three people, they're not really bad people. one of them i love and can't bear the thought of losing. two of them i haven't seen in years and i don't really know if they're still alive and i don't really care.

ii. they just wanted things to go a certain way, i guess. for things to appear how they'd like them to. for things to act as they want them to act. and dear little me stuck out like a sore thumb.

iii. they punished me for being different and for not looking ideal and for not being ideal. (ideal as defined by them)

iv. i tried so hard to fit into their kind of ideal because i wanted them to love me and like me and i didn't want to be punished anymore.

v. i failed and failed and failed and failed because i can never be perfect. and it got really hard because it was like i was a puzzle piece with all these distinct edges and i didn't know my place yet. but i tried to attach myself to the existing, already-in-their-rightful-place pieces. and some parts of me were modified and changed. some of my edges were cut off. i got scarred. some of them were permanent.

vi. my real self kept showing up though.

vii. it still does. and that's where the problem is. that is why my life is a constant battle. that is why i feel like i am forever walking in a tightrope or like i am constantly swinging up and down in a pendulum.

viii. i am not a puzzle piece that's will just fit into anyone's life.

ix. the scars wouldn't fade away. and i have to live with those scars. that's okay, they're just scars.

x. i have to grow back my edges. i don't know how to do that.