idontknow

I have posted a similar disclaimer before but let me just say that this blog does not really represent the entirety of my mind and my life. Bits of it, yeah, but not everything. This blog is so sad and whiny and shit. To anyone who for some reason have reached this internet space: hi, I have my good days. Some days I am okay. There are days when I actually love living existing being in this planet. There are days when I love everyone. Just usually not days when I would write in this blog, I guess.

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So yeah. Here are updates concerning my existence, as vague as possible:

• I have/feel many things towards my mother, but trust is not one of them.
• 23 years old and alone and lonely and sort of panicking because wow maybe I am that bad and undeserving
• sometimes I love my friends, sometimes I hate my friends
• "forever caring more about other people and smothering them and then having anxiety over the fact that they won’t even talk to me anymore or they probably hate me so then shrivels back into shell and tries desperately to erase all memories of them and the attempts to befriend them" - melody t (v) and oh god MHMM SOUNDS LIKE ME
• at least I still have tolerable internet at home and a bed I don't have to share with anyone (but boy do I want to share it with someone if you know what I mean but not in this house omg hahaha) and we don't go hungry
• and a job -- shitty, yes, but because of it I can buy things and experience things
• I desperately want to feel cared for why does it feel like most of the time no one does
• dissatisfaction / ennui
• sadness
• fresh sheets and newly swept floors
• reciprocity
• dead weights