Clouds

Great! I've grown up - physically and emotionally.

Not that much though, but its really a step towards my own personal satisfaction. I won't explain about the physical thingy, because all other teenagers out there grows up. And some may even grow sideways. :)

Growing Up Emotionally.
Now that's what I want to talk about.

Most people who knows me (or think they know me) probably think that I am: a bubbly girly-girl, a know-it-all, a snob, a freak, an obnoxious person, a shy-type, a nobody, a rag, a walking search engine, and a negative person, among others. Weird right? They think differently of what I am. Even I think differently about myself.

I am in all of those descriptions. Seriously. But not all of the time. People judge me based on their prejudices, expectations, and what they see in me (or by my behavior around them). That's really sad because I am not in myself most of the times. I am what I really am only when I feel really comfortable and secured - that is when I am alone. Hmm. And that makes me remember some lines from Teddy Geiger's song called For You I Will. And the song Ocean Deep by Cliff Richard.

Do I seem familiar I've crossed you in hallways a thousand times.
No more camouflage I wanna be exposed, and not be afraid to fall.

I wanna spread my wings - but I just cant fly
As a string of pearls and pretty girls go sailing by
Ocean deep
I'm so afraid to show my feelings
I have sailed a million ceilings in my solitary room

Actually, nobody's seen the real me yet. Hah. I'm no fake, but the things I show people are just, the things that they expect me to do or say or anything. There are times that I can't stand for what I believe because the thing I'm rooting for is unacceptable for some. Man I'm such a lemming. Oh boy. I am dreaming of the day when I will come to realize that I can never ever please everybody. I know the fact, but still I don't practice it. I don't know why, maybe its in my basic beliefs or in my basic instincts.. (If you know what I mean).. I'm stuck with it. Effin' great isn't it?

Studying about Psychology gave me new ideas about myself. I now know that I am a person suffering from a personality disorder called OCPD. And I have this disorder called OCD. (I am not sure with this, because I was the one who diagnosed myself.). As I reflected on my life, I concluded that I got them mostly from my childhood experiences and my attitude towards things. As a child, I was required to be perfect (until now), my classmates leaded by a naughty-evil-jealous-envious "friend" of mine teased me with and just about ANYTHING under the sun, people I trust and love made me feel unloved and distant from them, no one supported me, every mistake I made equaled heaps of insults... etc. Aww. I wasn't able to interact with those things so I ended up like this. Not that I am blaming others for my situation, but I really think I am a negative person because of the negative things I've felt when I was just a little kid.

Oh boy. I think I'm getting too emotional.

I'll just go on next time, I can't continue with this post feeling really bad about what happened to my life. I'm gonna be biased.

And I said I don't want to be an emotional person anymore. I also would want to get rid of my negative view in life.

SO I REALLY DID NOT GROW UP.